I just wanted to write. To someone. To no one. Blogging is a way of writing publicly, yet sometimes feels as if I write to no one.
Yesterday was hard. I had another day of thinking about how there will be only two family members of mine at the wedding. I have eight more months to ponder this.
I'm hoping there will be a lot of friends there. We are doing an open church wedding. Right now, eight months away, it looks like we'll have nearly 50 guests, and I'm sure more will confirm closer to the time. I want to celebrate with those who love me, those who like me somewhat, and those who are coming just to eat fried chicken. I want to celebrate life. I want to laugh, enjoy, and smile with those who have stuck by me the last year.
I want those who are there to know that I'm still grieving the loss of my parents. I'm not sure I'll ever get over that. But I want something there to remember my parents. Instead of a bouquet, I'll carry the Bible my mother carried at her wedding. Aside from her engagement ring (which is now mine) and her wedding rings, that is the only item I have from my parents' wedding. I may pin Dad's high school class ring inside my dress.
It seems like since my dad is no longer here, I will have to have someone else walk me down the aisle. The more I think about it, the more it may be two someones. Why? Because it feels like if just one man walks me down the aisle, he is a replacement for my dad. Having two close friends walk me down the aisle seems to say that no ONE can ever replace my dad. I know it means different things to different people, but it feels that way to me, and all that matters at my wedding is the symbolism I want to give things. I haven't decided for certain, but both men I have considered asking to walk me down the aisle will be there.
It's amazing to me how such a happy day can also bring up sad emotions.
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